The DEAD are getting closer...are you ready?

One month from today the fifth book in the DEAD series will be released. Yep, Dead: Siege & Survival will be available. However, right now is when I get that pre-release jittery feeling. It is funny, but I feel more pressure with each subsequent release. Why? Because of the readers. This has become your world. I have said it before, but it merits repeating...many of you know these characters better than I do.

When I set out to write this series, I just felt that the 'zombie' genre could be more than just people getting eaten. I wanted it to be about the people. Some readers have really gotten into the concept. Of course then there are the ones who complain about 'too many characters' or that 'the story is bleak' or my favorite, 'all men in this post-apocalyptic era must hate women.'

People fixate on things that I would have never considered. But the biggest issues have stemmed from the three rotating chapters format that I chose (and will continue with to the end)...and Garrett. For many of you that have read the series and communicated with me on either or both of those topics, we have had some interesting conversations. But I wanted to talk about that second issue here.

Garrett served a purpose. He went someplace most people avoid because it is uncomfortable. However, his purpose was missed by many, and that is what happens when a writer gets an idea that he (or she) thinks will make perfect sense. Garrett was there to show how strong a person can be when faced with the most horrific scenario possible. I wrote Garrett to show the strength of Kirsten.

We live in a world where we see things on the news, and as long as they don't affect us, they are just stories. A funny thing happens when we read a book. We form a relationship with the characters. Garrett was vile without any help. And I based him on somebody that I met. As hard as that may be for some, I met a real person who thought much like Garrett. I created Kirsten to take away some of his power. I knew from the beginning how that vignette would end. That is one of the few times where I had a predestined ending for somebody.

I don't know if the DEAD series will ever hit serious numbers in sales and be a "commercial" success. I don't think it will ever be sniffed out by movie or television types. It just has too much going on. But I didn't write it for that. I write that series because I love it. I enjoy seeing where it will go. I have said a few times that there is only one character in that whole book who is absolutely safe. And no, I've never said who, nor will I.

I wish time would hurry up so I can find out what those of you who have read the series think of the newest installment.

Have you met Donna Galanti?

I believe it was Woody Allen who said "I would never join any club that would have me as a member." Heck, maybe it was Rodney Dangerfield...but in any case, recently I tossed my hat back in with the HWA (Horror Writers Association). The next 15 months will be my chance to discover if this is something I really want or need. My experiences have been mixed, but some people that I have very high opinions of are involved, and it is their guidance that I trust enough to see if this is indeed a tool to further my career, or, as some have suggested (let me make note that I am not sold on this line of thinking) that this is an "old boys club" where you are always on the outside looking in. I have met a few people who have been very helpful during my time in the HWA. And for me, it isn't really about the awards, it is about the community and how they can provide guidance for writers of all ranges of ability.

And now, for the reason that you came to day...meet the lovely and talented Donna Galanti.

Your bio says that if you could not write, you would bike, hike and kayak every day. So it is desk jockey or super outdoorsy…not much middle of the road. Are you able to find a balance?

Being a writer is a stationary job. It’s not a spectator sport or one that gets your blood pumping (only metaphorically speaking). Exercising keeps me feeling good so I try to do it early in the morning before I sit down at my desk, or it never happens. If I could find a cabin in the woods alongside a creek with a mountain view–that would be my favourite mix of writing and outdoors to tackle.

Share your favorite moment while in the Navy (I was a submarine sonar man in the 80s)?
I was also in during the 80s! I can’t pinpoint one moment really. Being stationed as a photographer with Fleet Intelligence in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii was all around great with island hopping (especially with Magnum P.I. being filmed there at the time). However, I loved best going to Navy Photo School in Pensacola. Our barracks were right across from the white sand beaches and it was fun to be in school. A great time before we got our duty locations and the “real job” set in. Ben Fieldstone in A Human Element was also a Navy Photographer stationed in Hawaii and a dark scene there comes into play. Can he be saved? Read it here.

What can you share about your writing process with new or up and coming writers?

The more you improve your craft of writing the harder it gets. Honestly, ignorance is bliss and that’s what I had when I wrote my first novel. Now I’m pressured to use all the tools I’ve learned in the writing process to produce a better novel. It’s hard work, yes, but a novel keeps on giving. That first rough draft is just that–rough. Keep peeling back the layers of your story to see what it reveals to make it even better. Do the necessary work in revision–then revise again and again. I think writing a novel’s first draft is easier than making it shine.

If you were to change genres, what would be your next choice?

I love challenging myself to write outside my comfort zone and wrote about it here. I’m outlining a young adult novel right now and also have a middle grade adventure out on submission, so I guess you’d say I’ve already crossed genres. My current paranormal suspense novel, A Human Element, is a cross-genre novel as well. It’s been called a “sci-fi/thriller/romance/roller-coaster.” It means I need to read a lot of different genres as well to know multiple genres.

What could traditional publishing learn from the Indies? And how about the other way around?

I see a big divide today, sadly: self-published vs. traditional against one another. I don’t think there needs to be as there are so many wonderful authors on both sides. The traditional publishing route could definitely update many of its processes in sync with today’s speedy online world: divvy up royalty checks monthly not every 6 months, provide more author support, and speed up the process of getting a book to market. If self-published folks want to be taken seriously they need to have their work professionally edited, have a big-6 looking cover created, and set up an author platform online with web/blog/social media. It’s work being an author either way. We’re really small business owners in charge of our own fate as novelists.

The writing community can be its own worst enemy at times. What are some of the issues you see cropping up? Solutions?

Again, this points to the above question. I don’t think any writer has the right to bash another writer for the route they decide to go with publishing. I see this quite a bit. Each writer needs to make that decision on their own. I have good friends who went traditional and others small press or self-published. Good for all of them! This isn’t a competition and one way isn’t the “right way”.

The social media is…
…a time (sucking) machine! Yes, fun, addicting, and work–it takes away that time from writing. Plus I think there’s a “Writer ADHD” now. We can’t simply sit down and saturate ourselves in just writing for long periods of time–and that is where the creativity comes in. I believe social media stunts our productivity and creativity as writers.

Share some information about your work with us: 

My current paranormal suspense novel, A Human Element, is murder and mystery with a dash of steam, sci-fi, and horror. In it, Laura Armstrong’s loved ones are being murdered, and despite her unique healing powers, she can do nothing to stop it. The savage killer haunts her dreams, tormenting her with the promise that she is next. Determined to find the killer, she follows her visions to the site of a crashed meteorite–her hometown. There, she meets Ben Fieldstone, who seeks answers about his parents’ death the night the meteorite struck. In a race to stop a mad man, they unravel a frightening secret that binds them together. But the killer’s desire to destroy Laura face-to-face leads to a showdown that puts Laura and Ben’s emotional relationship and Laura’s pure spirit to the test. With the killer closing in, Laura discovers her destiny is linked to his and she has two choices–redeem him or kill him. Read an interview and excerpt with the villain X-10 here.

What is one question you are sick of being asked—not in interviews, but by individuals who know you write?

Can I have more than one question? J  #1. Will you teach me how to market my book? #2. So how much was first your royalty check? #3. Won’t you read and review my book? I read yours and reviewed it, you know.

Do you read and review other people’s work? And if so, do you find it difficult as a writer if you don’t like the work?

I review other people’s work I am so inspired to review. I do not like to take review requests from authors as I feel pressured to write a good review. It’s funny how an author can read and review your book, without your asking, and then use that as reason to request reciprocation. Please, do not do this!  If “hounded” to write one (see above) I write a balanced one if I have issues with the book–pointing out the good and not-so-good. Here’s a post I wrote on finding good-fit reviewers. As an author I so appreciate mixed reviews as people took the time to read my book and write a review. We are all different and bring our experiences to the table when we read a book. For example, it’s funny how some say A Human Element is a great love story and some say that it doesn’t have that much romance in it. Thank you to all readers who take the time to review!

How much reading do you get in, and can a writer excel at his or her craft if they do not read?

I try to read two books a week. Sometimes I cheat and read novellas. Really getting into them! You can crank one out at the park. Authors need to read to write. We need to see what works and what doesn’t, as well as know our genre. When I first began writing books I lost my love of reading. This was hard for me as I’d always been a reader. It’s like I traded one sense for another. Read about it here.

When does self-promotion cross the line and become a nuisance?

When it’s all the time. I see twitter streams full of self-promotion by many of the same authors and after a while I tune them out. We need to find a balance of self-promotion, promoting others, and just chatting. A great way to get people talking is open up discussions on topics that are in your book and slip it in down the line.

What projects are you currently working on?

The sequel to A Human Element is in revisions now, A Hidden Element, and I also have a short story collection coming out soon that features characters from book 1 and book 2. All dark fiction with a dash of hope. 

What is one thing about you that would surprise the readers who do not know you personally?
I’m adopted and met my natural mother when I was 18. I since had to cut those ties, but so glad I was given up to a wonderful home. My characters in A Human Element carry some of my background regarding this. Read about it here. Watch for my special donation program running December 1^st through the 22^nd. I will be donating $1 for each book sold to the Pearl S. Buck Welcome House adoption program. Author Pearl S. Buck’s home is close to me and many don’t know besides being a Nobel and Pulitzer Prize winner, she also was an adoptive mother.

Is there anyone you’d like to give a mention?

My wonderful developmental editor and dear friend, Kathryn Craft. She goes above and beyond in her service! She also participates in a fantastic writer resource blog with a team of other editors called The Blood Red Pencil and check out her editing website.

What is in your “to be read” pile right now?
These are all being read right now on a rotating basis J. I’m finishing up horror reads to consider recommending for the 2012 Bram Stoker Awards right now including Joe McKinney & Michael McCarty’s Lost Girl of The Lake and Patrick Freivald’s Twice Shy. I’m also reading two great books by self-published authors. Shadow on the Wall by Pavarti Tyler, a controversial and daring Muslim thriller, and Wolf Dawn by Susan Cartwright, a sci-fi thriller.

Donna Galanti Bio:

Donna Galanti is an ITW Debut Author of the paranormal suspense novel A Human Element (Echelon Press). She’s lived from England as a child to Hawaii as a U.S. Navy photographer. If she couldn’t write she would bike, hike, and kayak every day. Donna lives with her family in an old farmhouse in PA with lots of nooks, fireplaces, and stinkbugs but sadly no ghosts.

The world of writing is a marathon, not a sprint.

I am not a big fan of a lot of things about the world that we now live in. People have gotten ruder and more disrespectful. Everybody seems to be in a hurry to get someplace no matter who they cut off or derail along the way. Just about everything can be thrown into a microwave. Places offer 5 second credit approvals. And then there is the advent of the rise of the indie publishing scene where you push a button and your book is available to the world by the time you get back with that bowl of popcorn.

These days, people expect everything to just happen overnight. That is a problem. No, this will not be another article about editing issues. I have had my say on that as have many of my guests (one of the best being Catie Rhodes last month). No, this is about writers thinking that all that needs to happen is that they send in a story and it should be up and live in a week.

Many of you know that my wife is the owner of May December Publications where I work as an editor as well as the label my books are published under. We have lost more than a couple of titles when authors believed that their books were not produced quickly enough. First, let me say that I was only sad to see one of those titles slip away, but not enough to sacrifice my desire to produce something that looked and read clean.

A great deal of work goes into a book once it leaves an author's hands. The editing alone is can be hundreds of hours worth of work. Depending on the author, that task can be epic. I am blessed with a few writers who are very meticulous and have great test readers already in place. Their books often arrive so clean that I can get lost in reading it and have to backtrack and go back to work editing. (Chantal Boudreau and Steen Langstrup come to mind. I simply love reading their stuff and have to remind myself that I am actually working.)

So, if you are a writer, I don't care who you are published through, you need to relax. While much of the world has sped up, and even the publishing world has gone into turbo mode, if you want quality, then it takes time. Now if you are satisfied with being mediocre and don't care what people think when they read your book, by all means, just push the button. But when review after review mentions the absolute horror to read that is your poorly edited work, you have nobody to blame but yourself.

And if your working with an editor or publisher and they ask you to re-work something, do it. Work with them. Communicate. What you should not do is take the file they send you, delete it, and then just send back your original work minus all the edits and notes that they have sent you and a few spelling corrections. It is possible that your high-minded story idea actually goes nowhere and confuses the reader. Or perhaps you have decided that every sentence is a paragraph, but since you are NOT Cormac McCarthy, your "artistic" idea may just come across as poorly written. And if you have butchered your dialog to the point where it reads like a bad junior high English paper, maybe you should read it out loud and ask, "Do people really talk like that?"

So, rant over. An update on my NaNoWriMo project...

That Ghoul Ava and The Zombie Queen is around 20,000 words long so far. I will start now, but I am asking for a few Beta readers. This is a different sort of story for me and I want to know if I am on to something here or if I should stick to zombies. I must confess that the second DAKOTA book had to be put on hold. It is important that the DAKOTA books maintain their authenticity to the era. I have to be able to stop everything and research. Sometimes that research takes hours to find the answers. You can't NaNo a project like that. However, I am committed to a sequel to DAKOTA coming out in 2013.

Here's to your Monday...I hope it goes well for you and I will return on Wednesday with a confession on two people who I killed in the new DEAD, as well as an announcement about our big contest where you can win a free book a month in 2013 from MDP. 

Season 3, Episode 5..."Is that you?"

Can we jump right to the ending? Thank you for bringing that part of the story line from the graphic novel in to play. And now back to the front...anybody else enjoy that sweet father/daughter moment when The Governor was brushing Penny's hair. For anybody who give haircuts to the little tykes for a living...I bet that isn't too far from what it seems like.

We finally get to see Michonne in all her glory! The highlight of the episode for me was when she let those walkers out of the cage and shook some rust off of her swordsmanship. To see her finally step up and make the choice to cut Andrea loose was very refreshing. Andrea has some serious issues when it comes to her choice in men. And she draws the line at a gladiator-style fight? Really? That is going too far?

Meanwhile, back in the prison, Rick has lost his mind, the baby is hungry, and Daryl chooses the best baby name since Barney on "How I Met Your Mother". I am a little disappointed in Carl, but now we get to wonder a couple of things now that this episode has come to an end. Where is Lori? And who is buried in Carol's grave?

Overall, this episode is a little of a let down after the last one, but this holds with the Kirkman formula of action versus emotion. This was obviously a set up episode. Plus, it gives us just a tiny bit more of a glimpse at how screwed up The Governor is. I imagine next week will be more edge-of-your-seat action.

Patrick Freivald stops in and shares...

Today I am pleased to have a guest pick up the "be my guest" gauntlet. I hope you will all behave and play nice. Try to play nice with Patrick and put him back on the hook when you are finished...

You have been at this for a little while now, what are some of the best and worst things about being an author?

The best and worst things about being an author are the best and worst things about being anything else, I suppose. I'm a teacher and beekeeper as well as an author, and each experience brings its own highs and lows.

Writing is a passion. Publishing is a business. The publishing world is one of the most dysfunctional, strange, slow, aggravating, frustrating things I've ever experienced. I guess this is what you get when supply is ever-present, but varies dramatically in quality.

What are some of the lessons you have learned as a writer that caught you off guard?

I wrote my first novel--as yet unpublished--with my twin brother. We were so proud of our first draft, and felt that it was ready for the world to see. Then we sent it out to beta readers, and were so, so very fortunate to have people who cared more about being honest than our feelings.... The twenty-first draft is ready for the world to see, I think!

Let me just say that, were I forced to read that first draft aloud in public, I think I'd have to set both it and myself on fire.

Honest feedback is the most valuable commodity a writer can have.

What can you share about your writing process with new or up and coming writers?

Nothing whatsoever. Everyone writes differently, and there is no right or wrong way to produce a good or a downright awful manuscript.

On the publishing process, I'd give the standard cautions: there are a ton of scammers out there, and perhaps even more well-intentioned people that look legitimate and successful but who have no idea what they're doing. Successful agents are few and far between, and successful non-big-six publishers even more scarce. Don't sign anything you don't completely understand, and don't sign with anyone who doesn't have (a) a track record of success and (b) a completely, utterly open business model.

If you were to up and change genres, what would be your next choice?

My two completed novels are thus far a modern day thriller about a serial killer hunted by the FBI, and a YA satirical horror story just drowning in irony.... I don't set out to write in any particular genre, I just write stories I like. I do, however, have a fondness for the twisted, the weird, and the off-center.

The writing community can be its own worst enemy at times. What are some of the issues you see cropping up? Solutions?

The blind leading the blind is a big one, especially with the burgeoning writing coops that seem to drown in their own world without realizing that their vision stops at their door. Publicity is the biggest challenge facing any new writer, and I don't know that anyone sees an answer in the sea of social media, blogs, and advertising.

The social media is…

A great way to annoy people (intentionally or otherwise), and perhaps a reasonable way to advertise your book... If you wish to become an advertiser-in-person-guise and not a writer.

I'm still not sure how to best "use" Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media outlet, and I don't think there's a single shred of evidence that says that social media antics sell books.

Share some information about your work with us: (feel free to be as in depth as you like)

Twice Shy is my second novel, but the first published. I wanted to treat some very serious issues facing your modern teen in a very flippant manner--think Mean Girls meets Heathers meets zombies. There are several juxtapositions in the book that are meant to harmonize, but it should be a dissonant harmony.

The premise is that Ani Romero died at fourteen, but unlike other carriers of the Zombie Virus, she didn't become a mindless, brain-eating monster. Her mother is a ZV researcher who helps her control her cravings through the injection of specialized appetite suppressants, and who has forced her to join the emo crowd because their fashion sense helps her hide her nature. The idea of a high school teen who has a secret that absolutely mustn't get out isn't a new one, but the consequences here are amped to a Spinal Tappian eleven: if anyone finds out, the government swoops in and burns everything to the ground.

Most zombie books fall into two categories: either the zombie apocalypse is starting and the protagonists are trying to survive, or the apocalypse has happened and the protagonists have banded together in some post-apocalyptic world and are, well, trying to survive. In Twice Shy, the zombie virus outbreak happened before Ani was born, and was contained before it destroyed all of civilization. I deliberately leave the details vague, because the story is told entirely from Ani's point of view, and being a teenager, she treats everything that happened that long ago as at best an anecdote, regardless of how it's influenced the world in which she's grown up. (Ask any modern teen about September 11th, Columbine, or Jonesboro, and most only vaguely know anything at all about the first two, and have never even heard about the latter, despite the fact that all of the above have had a profound effect on their day-to-day lives.)

What is one question you are sick of being asked—not in interviews, but by individuals who know you write?

I'm a schoolteacher, and a science teacher at that... I get asked the same questions year-in and year-out, and have long ago realized that the old adage that "there's no such thing as a stupid question" really is true (with the follow-up, "the first time"). What people don't know they don't know, and I'll never begrudge someone not knowing.

Even, "when are you going to quit your day job?", while trite and silly and rhetorical and not nearly as witty as the asker thinks, is a form of well-wishing. And wishing you well is almost as good as buying your book!

I think my thoughts on the subject are summed up well by http://xkcd.com/1053/

How do you deal with negative reviews?

The writing process taught me to have no ego whatsoever when it comes to my writing. My favorite review thus far is a one-star from Goodreads, where the reviewer illustrates quite clearly why she thinks Twice Shy sucks and I suck and both of us should be immolated for the good of humanity. What's obvious is that she just didn't get it, and that's okay. One can't write zombie high school satire and expect everyone who reads it to get it.

I figure if what I write doesn't offend or puzzle someone, I didn't write anything worth reading.

How much reading do you get in, and can a writer excel at his or her craft if they do not read?

Lots, and no. I try to read a book a week. Realistically, in the past two years I've read about a book a month. I also read every issue of Newsweek, Time, Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, the daily newspaper, and almost every article on CNN.com, FoxNews.com, BBC, and Al-Jazeera -- usually excepting the trash about stars and starlets, though sometimes I read those, too.

Can a writer excel without reading? I very much doubt it. Is it possible? Sure, though exceptions would be hard to find. Is any given person who doesn't take time to read the exception? Almost definitely not.

When does self-promotion cross the line and become a nuisance?

Most of the time.

What projects are you currently working on?

The sequel to Twice Shy, tentatively titled Special Dead, though it's been brought to my attention that a cheesy, offensive zombie movie already has that name.

What is one thing about you that would surprise the readers who do not know you personally?

I spend almost every moment of human interaction amused. Then again, that might surprise those who know me personally, too!

Is there anyone you’d like to give a mention?

How about the entire HWA? The Horror Writers' Association is an awesome group of people who do great things to promote the genre and its authors.

My publisher, JournalStone, gave me a chance and are working very hard to make my and their dreams come true.

The Redhead(tm) puts up with me on a daily basis and sometimes sees me naked without running away, so she deserves quite the shout-out for that. :)

What is in your “to be read” pile right now?

Paradox by Jim Al-Khalili, a ton of Bram Stoker Recommendations for First Novel (my competition this year, a few of which I've read and a lot I still need to before voting closes... while somehow doing NaNoWriMo...), and then the submissions for JournalStone's 2013 Horror Writing contest.

Links:

For Twice Shy:

http://www.amazon.com/Twice-Shy-Patrick-Freivald/dp/1936564505/

My author page on the Book of Faces:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Patrick-Freivald-Author/249371615123553

My previously published work:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Bites-ebook/dp/B006FMGBLY

http://www.flashfictiononline.com/f20090803-taste-for-life-patrick-freivald.html

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

This month is NaNoWriMo for many of my writing compadres...I am deeply immersed and enjoying the experience. I already have my first confession, though. I was working on the sequel to Dakota, however, that is simply not a title that I can work on and not be doing spot research as I go. Book 2 is set during the start of the American Civil War and involves First Bull Run/First Manassas. So I have had to shelve Dakota during November, however, the first full-length That Ghoul Ava requires no such thing and is just good fun. So here is a (completely unedited) peek, comments are welcome and encouraged:

Same Ol’ Situation

“Do you have to play this crap so loud?” Lisa said with that petulance that only teen girls can truly master. It’s so sad. When we get older it just comes off as whiny or bitchy.

I pretended not to hear her. Not one thing that she could say or do was going to ruin my mood tonight. I was behind the wheel of my very first brand new car. No little tushies had planted themselves in this seat but me. I had been assured that I was the very first person to test drive this little baby: A candy-apple red 2013 Corvette.

Now I’m not one of those girls who knows a lot about cars, so most of what the very cute salesman said just didn’t stick. I think he even had a fancy name for the color red that my car was painted. Don’t care.

I flew down the on-ramp that deposited me on I-5 and went through the gears like I imagine those race car drivers did when they zoomed around in circles. By the time I actually hit the freeway, I was on the high side of ninety miles per hour.

“Got your seatbelt on?” I asked. I wasn’t planning on getting into a wreck…but who did? Safety first!

“Try to remember that only one of us is guaranteed not to die if you wreck this thing,” Lisa yelled over the strains of the luscious Brett Michaels who was currently begging me to talk dirty to him. Trust me when I tell you that would be the least of his worries.

She was referring to the fact that I am a ghoul. Now let me assure you, being a ghoul is absolutely nothing like being a zombie. As if. Zombies are nasty creatures that eat the living. I only eat the dead. See? Big difference.

Lisa Jenkins was a teenage runaway. However, I doubted that her parents would come looking for her any time soon. In the six monthst that she had lived with me, I had learned enough to know that it was unlikely that they were even aware that she had left home. Her father was long gone, and her single mother was busy sleeping with every bus boy, waiter, and bartender at this dirty little all night place in Southeast Portland.

I’d popped in once and the woman was letting some slob put his hands up her skirt every time she came to the table. When she brought the actual meal to the table and cleared away the five empty beer bottles to make room, I almost lost my proverbial lunch. It was fried chicken, and I know for a fact that he didn’t wash his hands before picking up that drumstick. And considering where that hand had just been…

I met Lisa one night shortly after my transformation. She had been in a seedy hotel after just giving birth. Her “boyfriend—a pervy forty-something that actually convinced her to dump the child in the garbage right after giving birth—made the mistake of answering the door when I knocked. Long story short, baby was rescued and eventually given a home, perv was killed and then eaten, and Lisa became my roommate.

It was around the time that I met Lisa when I was introduced to a whole part of society that most folks don’t realize exists under their noses. Call it supernatural or whatever you like, but things like ghouls, and ghosts, and vampires—like that snarky little bitch Belinda Yates—exist.

Some have gone on to sustain themselves through books like the one you are reading right now. You see, the best way to hide is in plain sight. You’d be surprised if I told you which of the other books in your collection are real; or at least based on real events in the lives of some of my fellow monsters. Yeah, most of them don’t like the “M” word, but I like to consider myself a bit more progressive.

I actually decided to join the ranks of the writer-types after my first little “adventure” where I was hired to deal with a rogue vampire that had designs on the aforementioned Belinda’s Kiss. (A “Kiss” for the unitiated is what vampires call their little groups or clubs…whatever.) I didn’t actually have to write, but Lisa thought it would be fun. She worries about the finances like nobody I have ever met and keeps telling me that the payday I got for taking care of Belinda’s “little problem” won’t last forever.

After I saw this car, I finally agreed that we needed an additional source of income. The only problem now was waiting for the next “job” from Morgan. For those of you who don’t know, Morgan is the psychic for my region. Unlike the ones on television that lie about being able to tell your future, Morgan is for real. Apparently true pshychics are able to detect all supernaturals in their district. I don’t know all of the details—mostly because she tells me very little—but I guess they act as some sort of mediator and boss for their given district.

The day I became a ghoul, I received a visit from Morgan. She kind of told me the rules. Mostly she went on about all the stuff I couldn’t do. Of course, it was good old Ava’s door that they knocked on when that vampire came in and started mucking things up.

By the time Billy Idol had told me all about what a great day it would be for a White Wedding, and the Go-Gos encouraged me to take a Vacation, we were home. And here was the reason we needed Morgan to show up with another job…or people needed to start buying these books. Home was no longer the dirty little apartment that I’d rented while I was a busty waitress with raven-black hair. Now we lived in a sweet little two-story looking down on Lake Oswego. (I never knew there was actually a lake here! Just thought it was a cute name for a town.)

It had four bedrooms! Now I wasn’t ever going to hear the pitter-patter of ghoulish feet, but maybe Lisa might give it a go when she is actually old enough and meets a nice guy. I had a feeling that I would be living vicariously through her.

And there you have it. My word for the day. Vicariously. Take that Morgan. She always talks to me like I am the idiot child. Well now that I have hired a ghost writer—literally, I seriously have this ghost that comes in and helps, she possesses Lisa when it is time to sit down and put the story together—I get to hear all sorts of big words.

Chantal, my ghostly pal, likes to chat sometimes during the day. She sometimes slips in to Lisa while she is dozing and will chat with me about stuff. At first it was weird having these conversations that Lisa has no memory of, and I have to get it straight who I am talking to or what I have said to Chantal-Lisa and what I have said to Lisa-Lisa.

Hmm, that reminds me. I stop at my iPod docking station and thumb to a song. One of my favorite features of this home was the sound system. You can have music or whatever you are watching on television piped throughout the whole place. Head-to-Toe by Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam starts and I head for the basement door.

“Back in a few minutes,” I call over my shoulder. I catch Lisa’s face in the relection of the kitchen window. Her nose wrinkles. If I wasn’t so secure in our friendship, my feelings might be hurt. Hey…a girl’s gotta eat.

My basement is the other feature that really sold this house to me. A serial killer would blow his…well, whatever it is that they blow, you can bet my basement would be the thing that would send said serial killer over the edge.

It is absolutely sound proof. I tested it out early when I brought my ex-husband’s guitar amplifier down here. My actual goal was to check out the real estate agent’s claim that this basement was in fact sound proof. If I just happened to blow up his amplifier in the process, that would be icing on the cake.

I plugged in the pretty green guitar that was still in my closet despite the fact that we had been divorced long enough for that cheating bastard to remarry and have a pair of twin snot factories…err…I mean a lovely set of boy and girl twins. (I can never remember which is fraternal and which is maternal…not like I actually care.) Anyways, I plugged that guitar in, turned every single knob on the amplifier to “10” and strummed. I forgot all about my super-sensitive ghoul hearing.

For almost a week I was absolutely deaf. Thankfully I have the ability to heal. Supposedly, I can take a shotgun blast to the chest and not die. I’d just as soon not test the theory, but it is kind of nice to think that little bit of insurance is in my tool box. To actually kill me, you need to either sever my head, or pierce my heart with a weapon made from iron. I feel comfortable sharing that with you because you will either dismiss this as just another one of “those” stories that are so popular right now, or you just won’t ever feel the need to go out and hunt down a ghoul that is trying to make the world a better place.

So once I could hear again, Lisa assured me that she did not hear a thing. She was really glad when my hearing came back. I guess I am one of those women with a naturally loud voice.

So back to my basement. As I told you, I am a ghoul. I eat the dead. To be clear, they have to be “unprocessed.” I don’t know if you are aware of what they do to a person before spray painting them and setting them in a box, but no ghoul would ever touch a body after a mortician got ahold of it. I keep about a half dozen corpses on ice for those times when I can’t go out and hunt down a fresh meal.

This is another of the perks from that job I did for Belinda-the-vampire-bitch. She has one of her minions bring by a thrall that might have been snacked on a bit too heavily or the occasional human version of a monster that they might stumble across.

Opening the walk in refrigerator, I pull the first body out and set him on the huge table. Already the smell is causing my mouth to water. I know it will just be a moment—

“Mrrgl.”

Oh yeah. Shark mouth makes the scene and I dig in. I can’t really explain it better than that. When I smell a dead body—something that you would probably find repulsive—to me it is like being in Martha Stewart’s kitchen on Thanksgiving. The smell is beyond delicious.

My mouth does this thing that sort of defies biology. It stretches out several inches and these razor-sharp rows of needle-like fangs drop. I become the human equivalent of one of those woodchipper thingies. I can down a whole body in less than ten minutes. The only part that is a bit icky foremy is regurging up the clothes. To my credit, I strip the bodies that are put in my fridge. However, I don’t exactly have control over my appetitie. When I encounter a dead body out and about, I just can’t help myself.

The best thing I can equate it to is what used to happen with those spray cans of whip cream. I couldn’t open my fridge when one of those things were in there back when I was alive without grabbing it, popping the top, and shooting a mouthful of tasty, sweet whipped cream into my mouth.

So anyways, I got my shark mouth going, and made short work of my dinner. I think we found this one under a bridge. Probably not the solution to the homeless situation that they were thinking of with Comic Relief, and in my defense he was already dead. Being out in the elements is really not something that we are designed for in our human form.

Politics + Friends = dangerous water

No pretty pictures today. For my friends abroad, today is Election Day here in the states. I make it a point not to talk about politics or religion here because many of the individuals who read this are friends. Both of those topics are personal. What they mean to me can be ENTIRELY opposite of how you believe. Now, I am blessed to have a few friends that I can discuss this with...not because we believe the same, but because we don't have any plans of trying to convert or sway one another to our personal point of view.

So, here is the first of my revelations. I am a Republican. I served in the military and saw President Reagan come in and start pulling us out of the poverty-level pay that President Carter had allowed by refusing to increase pay. Much like teachers, I believe that our military, police, and fire department personnel are grossly underpaid. That was in my youth, so it formed my basis for my political belief system.

I have sat through four years of Obama, and honestly, I can't recall a time when things were worse in this country. If you want to vote for "who got Bin Laden" then vote for the commander of the Navy Seals. Obama no more had a hand in that than you or I. Sorry, folks, but that is the way intel works...you tell nobody until AFTER the fact. And for you who banged your drum about the evil Bush regime and Guantanamo...do you recall the promises made to shut that place down? How's that worked out? 

We have divided and divided again. Unemployment is through the roof, and our economy is in tatters. Now, is it ALL Obama's fault? Nope. No more than Hurricane Sandy can be attributed to him. And here is one problem...all the pundits say that his "handling" of the storm may have given him the bounce back to win.  So basically...who cares about the issues that have been at stake for the past few years...he made a few public appearances and looked suitably sad at the right times, so we can just ignore what has been going on? That is like painting over a rusty spot on your car. It may be out of sight for a bit, but it will be so much worse when you see it next time.

So, before you get the wrong idea...I am not a fan of Mitt Romney either. He reminds my of the Martin Sheen version of the president in The Dead Zone. To put it bluntly, he scares the heck out of me. However, I have heard his take on what he wants to do in regards to this economy and, to me, it is just a more sound plan. So that is my take on the Big Race.

But here is the reality...all of these people are professional "talkers". They sell themselves to you with words...and not even their own. SO basically they are automatons who hire talented writers to make them sound good. What they do have is a certain charisma. And since Kennedy...that has been what makes the difference. I don't think this nation ever recovered from JFK's assassination. We made him into this icon, and quite frankly, the stories that have surfaced over the decades paint a bit of a booty chaser with some questionable ties to some rather unsavory folks. But he is our King Arthur... era was dubbed "Camelot" and we have systematically dismantled every president since.

So, whoever you vote for today, whatever issues you support or oppose, I hope you at least exercise your right. I have been around the world and seen places like Egypt, Spain, Turkey, and Italy. We have it pretty good, folks. So stay civil today. Try not to be "that crazy person in the office" bent on converting everybody to their opinion. And tomorrow, when we wake up...we will find that, no matter who won, nothing has really changed. We still have to live with each other. So was it worth all the vitriol...the hard feelings...